Shinra T.V.
by Cap Cid Highwind
Summary: Shinra Inc. goes on the air, hitting the airwaves with the latest news stories in Midgar and around the world! Anchorman Tseng is your guide to the world of mayhem and chaos. R&R, please!
1. Shinra TV - Episode 1

Shinra T.V.   
A Final Fantasy VII Story  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell.   
  
  
( The Shinra logo appears on a random TV screen in Midgar, followed by cheezy   
xylophone music. Soon the graphic is replaced by the figure of Heidegger, on   
a soundstage somewhere in the Shinra Building )  
  
Heidegger: Welcome, losers of the world! This is Shinra T.V. Here's your   
host, Tseng!  
  
Tseng: Thank you, Heidegger. Hello, Midgar. Today, a lot of happy   
crappy happened. Since I hate being here and wish I were dead, here's Reno   
with a report on.....something.  
  
Reno: ( Appears on the screen wearing a red party dress and looking   
really hung over ) Huh..? Oh, ungh..I'm Reno. I had wild sex last night with   
someone I've never met before...I think it was a female...? Uh..back to   
you...Bob... ( Passes out )  
  
Tseng: Interesting. Now here's Rude with a Gardening Report.  
  
Rude: ( Shot switches to a nice, silven glen. Rude is wearing a   
green bandana which reads, "Flower Power!" ) I'm here with, Tifa   
Lockheart...in her garden.  
  
Tifa: HIYA!!  
  
Rude: So... I noticed this nice bush here...  
  
Tifa: Oh yes! I love my bush!!  
  
Rude: Well, you have a nice full bush here, yet you seem to keep it   
well trimmed...  
  
Tifa: Oh yeah, I trim my bush every week!!  
  
Rude: ( Runs his hands over the leaves ) Hmm... running my fingers   
through your bush is...satisfying. Nice.  
  
Tifa: And I'm sure my bush likes it!!  
  
Rude: What's this over here......?  
  
Tifa: That's my prize Pussy Willow!!  
  
Rude: Gee, you have a nice little pu--  
  
Tseng: ( Suddenly reappears on the screen ) Unfortunately we're out   
of time for the Gardening Report. Now we move to Elena with the weather.  
  
Elena: ( A large map of the planet flashes onscreen followed by   
Elena who moves to stand in front of it ) Um...HI! It'll be cloudy over   
Midgar as usual. Acid rain from 3 to 4 PM Midgar Standard Time. I dunno   
what's happening everywhere else though, so I guess all you other towns can   
ram a stick up your--  
  
Tseng: ( Appears once again ) Thank you, Elena. Now a few words from   
our President, Rufus Shinra.  
  
Rufus: ( Flashes on the screen for 3 seconds ) I hope you all die....  
  
Tseng: ( Reappears ) Thank you, Rufus. Palmer is on the scene of an   
argument. We take you there now, since we have nothing better to do.  
  
Palmer: ( Suddenly comes onto the screen, the surroundings of a bar   
behind him ) Thanks, Tseng! Hey-hey! Here, Pro Pilot, Cid Highwind and Mister   
T impersonator, Barret Wallace are in a tizzy over the simple question. Who   
spilled the tea?!  
  
Cid: DAMMIT!! I know you spilled my goddamn tea, Barret!!! You've   
always hated my TEA!!  
  
Barret: Foo'! I weren't near da' damn tea!  
  
Cid: ( Flails his arms furiously ) THAT DOES IT!! I'm gonna tip   
yer drink over, you ebonic-talkin' assdancer!! ( Reaches for Barret's Ripple )  
  
Barret: WHAT DA' HELL!?!? ( Smacks Cid to the floor ) FOO'!! Don't   
NEVA touch a black mans Ripple!!  
  
Palmer: Mister Barret, how do you feel about pilots who mess with   
your ripple?  
  
Barret: I PITY DA' FOO' WHO MESS WIT' MAH RIPPLE!!  
  
Reno: ( Staggers in and collapses on Barret's table, spilling the   
Ripple all over )  
  
Barret: %#*&%#(*#*#*?&!!! FOO'!!!!!! ( Smacks Reno around and shoots   
him with his gun arm, also hitting a waitress in the process, making her drop   
a glass of Long Island Iced Tea )  
  
Cid: AHHH!!! NOT THE TEA!!! %%*#(%#($#*%#)($(*#$(*%#%#*)#%##!!!!!!  
  
Rufus: ( Suddenly appears on camera ) Why not drink Pepsi? ( Begins   
singing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt" )  
  
Palmer: ( Joins Rufus ) Back to you, Tseng!!! WOOOOO!!!  
  
Tseng: ( Reappears on camera, conditioning his hair ) Oops, uh,   
here's some hidden camera footage.  
  
( Footage rolls )  
  
Rufus: Hurry up..I have a speech in 10 minutes....  
  
Reeve: ( Places a familiar looking, bright orange hairpeice on   
Rufus' head ) There, sir.  
  
Rufus: Is it on straight?  
  
Reeve: I think so....  
  
Rufus: MAKE IT PERFECT!!! NO ONE MUST KNOW!!!! AHRGH!!  
  
Reeve: .............  
  
Tseng: ( Appears one final time ) Well, that's all for this addition   
of Shinra T.V. Goodnight everyone!  
  
Yuffie: ( Pops up from behind Tseng's desk ) OH MY GAWD!!! ( Falls   
face first into the desktop )  
  
Tseng: Huh....?  
  
  
THE  
END  
  
Episode 2, coming soon. Field reporter Reno covers the annual Shinra   
Employee Picnic! Stay tuned!  
  
  
All characters copyright Squaresoft, 1998.  
  
  



	2. Coverage of the Shinra Picnic

Shinra T.V.   
A Final Fantasy VII Story  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
  
  
Episode II  
Coverage of the Shinra Picnic  
  
  
  
  
( The familiar Shinra logo appears on T.V. screens all over the Planet. The   
trademark Shinra T.V. xylophone theme plays, and the fat visage of Heidegger   
appears on the screen soon after. )  
  
  
Heidegger: GYA HA HA! Welcome to another broadcast of Shinra T.V. Today   
we will be covering the annual Shinra Employee Picnic, as well as breaking   
news throughout the Planet. Now, here's your anchorman, Tseng! ( He stares   
into the camera a few moments, then suddenly releases a massive amount of   
gas, the reverberations rattling the entire soundstage, and Midgar itself,   
only rivaled by the firing of the Sister Ray )   
  
Cameraman #1: Uh...we were..still rolling...  
  
Heidegger: GYA?!! SWITCH TO CAMERA TWO!!  
  
( They switch to camera two. Tseng has been knocked over by the massive   
ass-explosion, his feet sticking up over his desk, one shoe missing. They   
quickly switch to camera three, where we see the familiar weather map, and a   
wide-eyed Elena )  
  
Elena: Uh...we..we..are recieving reports now...of..a 4.5 earthquake   
in Midgar. Uh..the epicenter has been pinpointed at the Shinra   
building...soundstage one...significant damage in most areas, with a total of   
three casualties so far...  
  
Heidegger: ( From off-camera ) OH SHUT UP!! SWITCH BACK TO CAMERA TWO!!  
  
( The camera switches back to Tseng, who has composed himself by now )  
  
Tseng: Uh..th-thank you, Elena..for that late-breaking news.   
Uh..welcome, citizens, to Shinra T.V. Our first report is by senior reporter,   
Reno. We now go to him, on location, at the Shinra Employee Picnic.  
  
( The scene switches to a large, blackened and barren field, decorated with   
Shinra flags and pennants. Many Shinra employees roaming around aimlessly )  
  
Reno: Thanks, Tseng. I'm here with President Rufus Shinra. Give us   
something interesting.  
  
Rufus: ( Standing there with a straw sunhat with a pink hatband on   
his head ) Good day. I am President Rufus Shinra. We are having a picnic.   
There is no food, no recreation, and no flora or fauna. We are here on the   
outskirts of Midgar, playing, "Look Like You're Having Fun For The Camera's   
Or I'll Shoot You". So far only one person has lost.  
  
( The camera pans over to a dead body a few yards away, flies now buzzing   
around the corpse )  
  
Reno: I see...well, this seems like a ton of fun. What other games   
are you playing?  
  
Rufus: That's pretty much it for now. ( An employee walks by,   
looking very unhappy ) Aha! Another loser! ( He raises his shotgun and fires   
at the mans head. As his cranium explodes in a shower of blood and bone, the   
scene switches back to Tseng )  
  
Tseng: Wonderful. We'll check back with Reno later. Now we move to   
our Psychiatric Report with special reporter, Rude.  
  
( The Scene fades to Clouds house. Cloud is laying on his bed, and Rude is   
standing in the foreground with a microphone )  
  
Rude: ...Thanks. I'm here with..Cloud Strife. He has problems. Let   
us talk to him, shall we...? ( He steps backward to Cloud's bedside )  
  
Cloud: But, really... I'm okay now. I'm over that whole, "I don't   
know who I am" deal. Honest!  
  
Crewman: Yeah, yeah. Shut up and read the cue cards..oops! ( Runs   
off-camera )  
  
Rude: Hello, Mister Strife. How are you today?  
  
Cloud: ( Squinting off camera at the cue cards )   
Oh..I..am...not..okay.. Oh...my...my head...my head...God...help   
me....I...am....not Cloud....who...am I?   
...Please...give...me...a....uh..number?  
  
Rude: There, there. It'll be okay. ( He pats Cloud on the head )  
  
Cloud: This is so stupid...  
  
Crewman: That does it! ( Holds up a huge picture of Sephiroths face )  
  
Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! SEPHIROTH!! NO!!! ( Falls to the floor,   
clutching his head )  
  
Rude: ...........................Uh.......  
  
Cloud: *Sniff* ...I...am...who? Who am I? AAARGH!!  
  
Rude: There...there...?  
  
Cloud: ( Sits up, tears in his eyes ) Can..can I have a hug...?  
  
Rude: ........ ( Leans over and reluctantly gives Cloud a hug )  
  
Cloud: M-mommy...? Is..that you, mommy?  
  
Rude: Uh...no....  
  
Cloud: MOMMY!!! ( Rips Rude's shirt open and begins sucking on his   
nipple like a child trying to nurse )  
  
Rude: ............. ( A smile slowly finds it's way to his face as   
he pats Cloud's head again )  
  
( The camera moves back to Tseng )  
  
Tseng: ( Staring at the monitor, his jaw dropped ) Uh....... Palmer?  
  
( The scene switches to Palmer, who is standing in the middle of Cosmo Canyon   
)  
  
Palmer: Hey-hey!! I'm here at the famed Cosmo Canyon, where the sky   
is really red all the time for no apparent reason! Today I am covering a   
special interest story... Santa Clause Tourette's Syndrom!  
  
Red XIII: ( Walks up to Palmer, weeping ) Grandfather....  
  
Palmer: HEY-HEY!! Doggy! You're the..uh...GRANDSON of that old man   
with Santa Clause Tourette's Syndrom, right?!  
  
Red XIII: Yes...and his name is Bugenhagen....  
  
Palmer: Sooo, how does it feel to know your grandpa is a loonypoo?  
  
Red XIII: GRRR!!! ( Leaps on palmer and begins mauling him )  
  
Cid: ( Suddenly appears on camera ) Is this thing rollin'?  
  
Barret: ( Pops up behind Cid ) I thank so...  
  
Cid: Barret...pull my finger... ( Extends his hand to Barret, the   
index finger pointed outward )  
  
Barret: Hehehehehehehe.. ( Grabs Cid's finger and pulls )  
  
( Silence......... )  
  
Cid & Barret: .......................................  
  
***BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPP!!!!***  
  
Cid & Barret: ( Dash away, giggling )  
  
( The shot swings back to Tseng )  
  
Tseng: That was...abnormal. We now bring you another look at the   
ongoing Shinra Annual Employee Picnic. Here's Reno.  
  
( Scene fades back to that black and barren field again, now with about 5   
dead bodies scattered about )  
  
Reno: It seems the picnic is winding down now. Any comments,   
President Rufus?  
  
Rufus: ( Standing there with that sunhat on still, but now a   
misquito net dangles over his face, a flyswatter in one hand ) Yes. I'd like   
to say that even though I've lost a few loyal employees on this outing... (   
He raises the shotgun and blasts a hole through the abdomen of another   
unhappy looking employee ) ...I think we all had a good time. Didn't we?  
  
( All but one employee answer... that one employee soon finds himself dead )  
  
Rufus: Glad you all agree with me. I think we'll head on inside now..   
It's getting late. ( He spots a bug on Reno's face and empties a can of "Off"   
onto Reno's head, causing him to pass out ) Good. Little boogers. ( He then   
steps up into his helicopter which takes off toward the Shinra Building far   
off in the distance )  
  
Reno: *Cough* Ugh..er..back..to you...Tseng... *Sneeze* ( Passes   
out )  
  
( Back to Tseng we gooooooo )  
  
Tseng: Thank you one and all. This has been another addition of   
Shinra TV. Until next time, I'm Tseng, signing off.  
  
Heidegger: GYA HA HA!!!  
  
( The scene fades to black )  
  
Stay tuned for the next episode of Shinra TV!  
  
  
  
The  
End  
  
All characters Copyright Squaresoft 1998 


	3. Rocket Town Garage Sale

Shinra T.V.   
A Final Fantasy VII Series  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
Episode III  
Rocket Town Garage Sale  
  
  
  
  
  
  
( The Shinra logo flashes onscreen, lighting up homes all over the planet,   
inducing a few seizures in the process. The xylophone theme plays and ends on   
a sour note as Heidegger flops on after the logo fades )  
  
Heidegger: GYA HA!! Welcome to another edition of Shinra TV! Today we'll be   
covering such stories as President Rufus' new line of hair gel, the Mister T   
disease known as "Sucka Foo'", and the Rocket Town Garage Sale! Now here's   
your anchorman, Tseng! GYA HA!  
  
Tseng: ( Tseng appears ) Thanks, Heidy...  
  
Heidegger: ( From off-camera ) DON'T CALL ME THAT!! GYA!!  
  
Tseng: ...and welcome, citizens. Before we begin all   
those...interesting--and I use that term loosely--stories, let's get the   
weather report from Elena.  
  
Elena: ( Appears onscreen, the large map of the Planet lit up behind her   
) Thanks, Tseng! Today we will be having another normal cloudy, smoggy day.   
The seas will be choppy and the humidity will make it seem 123 degrees in   
Midgar! A few degrees lower in the slums, of course, but who really cares   
about those "people"? Back to you, Tseng.  
  
Tseng: ( Reappears onscreen ) Thanks Elena. And for your reference, the   
people in the slums do have televisions. And for the people in the slums'   
reference, Elena's address is 2234 Shinra Complex C-2, Midgar Sector 0.  
  
Elena: ( Offscreen ) AAAAAAAAIIIEEEE!!!!! Tseng...!!!  
  
Tseng: And now onto our first story. Reno is covering the new line of   
hair gel which is sweeping the Planet. Rufus Shinra's "My Hair is Godly And   
You Should Respect It, You Loser", gel. Reno?  
  
Reno: ( The scene switches to that of Rufus' office on the 70th floor   
of the Shinra Building ) Yo! Reno here, covering the fastest growing line of   
Hair Gel since Rufus' "You Couldn't Have Hair That Looked Like Mine Even If   
You Bought 500 Cases Of This Hair Gel" gel. Of course, due to bad   
marketting--duh--the sales fell short and Rufus decided to nix the project,   
up 'til now. Here's the man of the hour, Rufus Shinra.  
  
Rufus: ( Seated at his desk with a box of his new gel in front of him )   
Hello. I am here to promote my new hair gel, "My Hair Is Godly And You Should   
Respect It, You Loser", gel. The most high-tech, revolutionized hair gel of   
all time.  
  
Reno: Can you open it up and show us how it works?  
  
Rufus: Uh...I didn't think you were going to ask that...can't it be a   
surprise?  
  
Reno: If it is, I won't have a story. Just open the damn box and show   
us!  
  
Rufus: .....You're being lynched after this, I assure you...Fine. (   
Opens the box and pulls out a small water spritzer, a blue plastic comb, and   
a peice of aged cheese )  
  
Reno: ..What the hell is all that about? I can understand the water   
thing and the comb, but cheese?!  
  
Rufus: Yes. You wet your hair with the spritzer, comb it...then rub the   
cheese on your folicles.  
  
Reno: What's the point of the cheese treatment?  
  
Rufus: ....We ran out of ideas for cheap things to put in the kit, so we   
just threw some cheese in at the last second to make it seem more worth the   
money, okay?!  
  
Reno: So your new line of hair gel is a scam?  
  
Rufus: ( Raises his shotgun, aiming it at Reno ) That does it..!  
  
Reno: ARGH!! Tseng!! HELP!! AAHH!! PUT THAT CAMERA DOWN AND--  
  
***KA-BLAM***  
( The screen goes blank as the shot rings out )  
  
Tseng: ( Reading an article in, "Hunky Long Black Hair Magazine" ) Huh?   
Oh, we're back already? Thanks, Reno. Now here's Rude with a report on the   
Mister T disease, "Sucka Foo'".  
  
Rude: ( Sitting in a small white chair, wearing a little pink bonnet on   
his bald head and holding a small cup of tea in one hand, his microphone in   
the other ) ....Thanks, Tseng. I'm here with Marlene Wallace....daughter of   
Barret Wallace, who has the Sucka Foo' disease....  
  
Marlene: Do you want some more tea, Mister Rude?!  
  
Rude: ..Uh..sure.. thanks.  
  
Marlene: ( Pours Rude some imaginary tea into his little yellow cup )   
You're welcome! Would you like some tea, Pooky-Wookums? ( Pours the Mako Bear   
some tea as well )  
  
Rude: Anyway...I'm waiting for Mister Wallace now, who went out to buy   
some gold chains.... As you may guess, he has fallen into an extreme stage of   
this potentially fatal disease...  
  
Barret: ( Smashes in through the window, his hair made into a mowhawk,   
chains hanging from his neck, his hands covered in rings ) What da' hell be   
goin' on in here?!  
  
Rude: Hello, Mister Wallace..I'm Rude...from Shin--  
  
Barret: Izzat you, Murdock?! Come on, foo'! We gotta go save da'   
Colonel!! ( Grabs Rude by the shoulder and tosses him out the window, his   
little bonnet flying from his bald head )  
  
Rude: AAAAAAAHHHH......!!!!! ***CRASH***  
  
Barret: YEAH!! I PITY DA' FOO' WHO MESS WIT' MISTAH B!! SUCKA!! WHO'RE   
YOU?! ARGH!! ( Grabs the camera and smashes it over his knee )  
  
Tseng: ( After a few seconds of static, appears onscreen. He is now   
filing his fingernails ) Huh..? Oh! Why are all our reports ending so quickly   
today? Well, anyway... Here is our final story for today. The annual Rocket   
Town Garage Sale began today. Palmer is on location now.  
  
Palmer: ( His big fat mug appears onscreen ) HEY-HEY!!!  
  
( One loud scream echoes across the Planet, as every Shinra TV viewer howls   
in terror )  
  
Cameraman#1:Er...sorry....the zoom was stuck... ( Zooms out, away from   
Palmers face )  
  
Palmer: Anywho, I'm here in Rocket Town covering the Garage sale! Let's   
go over to this guys pile of crap first!! Hey-hey! What's all this garbage,   
and why should I buy it?  
  
Joke Teller: Garbage?!? These are all family heirlooms and antiques!  
  
Palmer: Like this here pile of fake plastic doggy poopies?!  
  
Jake Teller: SON-OF-A-BITCH!! ( Stomps away in a huff )  
  
Palmer: Well, ooooook---aaay! Let's go over and see Cid Highwinds table!   
( Wobbles over to Cid's table, knocking several people over with his   
wide-range hips )  
  
Shera: Hi, Palmer! How are you?  
  
Palmer: Hey-hey! I'm hunky dory, Shera! So this is Cid's table?! Mind if   
we take a PEEK-A-ROONIE?!  
  
Shera: Sure thing. Would you like some tea? I can run inside and make   
some.  
  
Palmer: Oh yes, please! Plenty of sugar, lemon and LARD!!!  
  
Shera: Right! ( Runs inside to make the strage tea )  
  
Palmer: Hey! Look at all the Dukes of Hazzard memorabilia! I didn't think   
Cid would part with all this! ( Picks up a small model of the General Lee and   
a Hazzard County Sherriff car model with action Rosco P. Coltraine doll   
inside ) WEEE!!! DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DOOOO!!! HEEE!!  
  
Cid: ( Smacks Palmers face, causing his massive cheeks to begin   
wobbling like Jell-O ) Get yer goddamn paws off that, you damn dirty ape!!  
  
Palmer: ( Cheeks still wobbling ) Hey! Cid?! What'd you do that for?!   
Aren't you selling this stuff anyway?!  
  
Cid: WHAT?! YOU *#$&)@#$ING CRAZY?!?! This is all Shera's doing!! Now   
git!! Git on outta here!!  
  
Palmer: ( Cheeks are still wobbling ) Okay, okay! Hey! What's this?   
Pantyhose? HAHAHAHA!! Cid wears pantyhose!!  
  
Cid: WHAT THE #%$&^?! I DO NOT!! THOSE ARE SHERA'S YOU NUMBSKULL!!  
  
Palmer: Nuh-uh!! They're yours!! I broke a real story for once!!! CID   
HIGHWIND WEARS PANTYHOSE!!!  
  
Citizens Of RT:HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Cid: THAT DOES IT!!! YOU HAVE BROKEN THE MOTHER #(*$#ING PISSED OFF   
METER WITH ME, MISTER FAT-ASS %&$*#!!!!  
  
Palmer: Don't say fa-- ( Palmer was cut off as Cid rammed the pantyhose,   
along with a 8" Tom Wopat Action Bow N' Arrow© Doll down his gullet. As   
Palmer falls, causing a minor earthquake, the camera switches back to Tseng )  
  
Tseng: Thanks, Palmer. That's all for this edition of Shinra TV. I hope   
you all got your money's worth, because our program costs you tax payers a   
good million gil bi-monthly. So long!!  
  
Heidegger: Stay tuned next time for more Shinra TV!! Goodnight, Midgar!  
  
( The camera fades out, only to fade in seconds later, showing the Midgar   
skyline. The camera pans up and back, catching a glimpse of a rather angry   
looking mob, ascending from the slums and onto Shinra Complex C-2, Midgar   
Sector 0 )  
  
THE  
END  
  
Stay tuned for more Shinra TV!  
  
All characters copyright Squaresoft 1998 


	4. Shinra TV Emergency Announcement

Shinra T.V.   
A Final Fantasy VII Series  
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell  
  
  
  
  
Shinra TV Emergency Announcement  
Episode IV  
  
  
  
[ During the middle of a normal broadcast day, the Shinra TV logo suddenly   
appears on television screens all over the planet, abruptly putting a halt to   
the 78 hour long, "How to Grab that Fiesty Fannie", marathon, hosted by Don   
Corneo. Heidegger's big fat, bearded and sweaty face appears soon after. ]  
  
Heidegger: Gya! Hello, citizens! I am General Heidegger! We interrupt this   
program for an important news announcement! So keep tuned in! Or else we'll   
track you down and KILL you! Trust me, we have the technology to do so! Now,   
here's Tseng!  
  
Tseng: Thanks, Heidegger. Today all of Midgar is in panic! A giant   
creature known as Molybdenite WEAPON is approaching the Megalopolis city! We   
take you outside the city of Midgar now, with Reno, who is covering this   
breaking story!  
  
Reno: [ Appears on camera ] Right! I'm here outside of Midgar, facing   
the Northern sea! As you can see over here.. there is a GIANT WEAPON slowly   
approaching Midgar! This WEAPON has been deemed, "Molybdenite" Weapon. Who   
the HELL comes up with these names?? Anyway, it seems that the terrorist   
group, AVALANCE is now approaching the WEAPON in a small, makeshift boat. Why   
not the Highwind, you ask? I spoke to Mister Cloud Strife earlier! Here's the   
tape!  
  
[ Tape rolls ]  
  
Reno: So, you and your group are going to go try to stop this new   
menace? How will you do it?  
  
Cloud: Well, we're gonna sail out there in this boat made of cardboard   
and hair.  
  
Reno: Uh, what about the big airship you guys stole a while back?   
Wouldn't that be more effective?  
  
Cloud: We would use it, but our Pilot, Cid, has gone missing. So it's   
this boat or nothing, I guess. Hey... I think a bird just crapped in my hair..   
Do you know how hard it is to wash this mop without messing up the complexity   
of micro-atoms that systematically keeps it in this suave shape? Man..this is   
really pissing me off. I'm gonna take this out on that WEAPON for sure..  
  
[ End Tape ]  
  
Reno: So you see, that is why they are sailing to their deaths.. I   
mean, going to save us in that boat! I'll be back with more as this story   
developes! Tseng?  
  
Tseng: [ Pops back on Camera ] All righty. Well, AVALANCHE is not the   
only ones trying to stop this WEAPON. We take you live, via Satellite to the   
office of Rufus Shinra, who is really just a few floors above us, but he's   
too lazy to take the elevator down here. Mister President?  
  
[ A camera lowers from the ceiling, and lights up, the visage of Rufus   
appearing ]  
  
Rufus: I heard that 'lazy' comment, Mister Man. I expect to see you in   
my office later. I cannot abide that kind of insubordination.  
  
Tseng: Sir, please. There's a WEAPON heading for us. What do you plan to   
do?  
  
Rufus: Well, we still have that really big Cannon set up from before.   
Since everythings been repaired, I assume it's operational. We'll just fire   
that at the WEAPON.  
  
Tseng: Sir, do you recall what happened last time we used that Cannon?  
  
Rufus: Not to worry, my silken-haired friend. I have ordered several   
SOLDIERs to use Scotch Guard on the windows of the Shinra Building. There   
should be no problems.  
  
Tseng: Scotch guard..? Oh man... uh, well, what about if the WEAPON   
counter attacks!? Remember that?  
  
Rufus: The chances of that happening again are one in a million. We'll   
be far too fast for it this time.  
  
Tseng: ...I see. Well, we'll call you back as the WEAPON approaches, and   
we're ready to fire. See you then. Now, we will take a break from this   
report, and send you over to another story while we compile more information   
here. Rude is in the field covering a Racketeering Operation. The sale and   
trade of small, foreign animals. Here he is now.  
  
Rude: [ Appears onscreen, riding in the back of a small, hay-covered   
truck ] Uh.. *Cough*.. here I am. I have been tracking a mastermind of black   
trade. Small foreign animals for 5 gil each. Very cunning he is. Uh..wait,   
this isn't the right truck. [ Hops out of the hay-wagon and runs over to a   
van with the words, "Señore Pizza", written on the side ] Okay, this is it..   
Inside this truck are, not Pizza's, but very small animals up for   
black-market trade. It seems Señore Pizza is away from his truck now...let's   
peek inside...  
  
Man in Sombrero: HEY!? What the *%&)#@ are you doing!?  
  
Rude: Uh...I just wanted to...smell the pizza!  
  
Man in Sombrero: Oh. Well...you CAN'T! [ Kicks Rude's ass away from the   
van, hops in, and peels off down the road ]  
  
Rude: Owie...hmm, I'll catch up with him! But in the meantime, here's   
some hidden camera footage we recorded of Señore Pizza making a sale!  
  
[ Tape Rolls ]  
  
Man in Sombrero: Okay..that'll be five gil for this...uh..Gloopernadda.  
  
Rufus: Gloopernadda? This looks like a baby chocobo with small twigs   
taped to it's head to represent antlers.  
  
Man in Sombrero: Oh, that's just it's..uh, natural defense mechanism.  
  
Rufus: Oh? Amazing. I swear this is tape. Look, it even peels off.  
  
Man in Sombrero: HEY!? Stoppit!! Don't damage the merchandise! Uhm..4 gil   
then.  
  
Rufus: You look familiar. Are you sure we haven't met before?  
  
Man in Sombrero: Uhm..I don't think so. [ The wind suddenly blows his fake   
mustache and sombrero away ] Uh-oh...  
  
Rufus: YOU!! I knew it!! Guards!! GUARDS!!  
  
Cid: OH SHIT!! I'm gettin' the hell outta here!! [ Hops in his van and   
peels off down the road ]  
  
[ End Tape ]  
  
Rude: So you see, Señore Pizza is really Captain Cid Highwind! I'm on   
his tail now... [ Rude is pedaling a tricycle down the road, half a mile   
behind Cid's slow-moving van ] I'll report back ASAP! Back to you, Tseng!  
  
Tseng: The WEAPON is right on top of us!! We go to Palmer who is   
standing by on the Sister Ray, which is near maximum power!! Palmer!?  
  
Palmer: Hey-hey! I'm here with Professor Haji on the Sister Ray, which is   
about to go "BOOOOM!" You can see this big, white thing in the distance. I   
think that's the WEAPON thingy, and here are some shiney buttons and lights.   
This is really neato!  
  
Hojo: Please..stay out of my way.. this is a very delicate operation.   
Only I know how to handle this delicate equipment.  
  
Palmer: Ooo~kay, Haji. Say, aren't you Johnny Quests arabian sidekick!?  
  
Hojo: First off..my name is Hojo. Professor Hojo...  
  
Palmer: Where's your turbin? That thing is so fasionable!  
  
Hojo: Quiet!! We're almost up to 100%! Engaging Radar System!  
  
Tseng: [ Reappears onscreen, Rufus still on the dangling TV screen ]   
Mister President, can you tell us what's about to happen??  
  
Rufus: Yes. We're about to fire that mighty large cannon at Molybdenite   
WEAPON. It should be destroyed fairly quickly.  
  
Tseng: I see. Say, what's that?  
  
Rufus: This? It's my pet, Gloopernadda! I got it from a mexican/italian   
fellow who turned out to be Cid Highwind. It was free.  
  
Tseng: Looks like a chocobo with fake antlers.  
  
Rufus: How dare you speak to Pooky-Wookums #2 like that!!  
  
Tseng: You named him after your bear?  
  
Rufus: Just...leave me for now.. I must...reflect on past events...  
  
Tseng: Riiiiiight...back to Palmer.  
  
Palmer: Okay! The big white thing is really close now! People are   
screaming and running around! Haji won't say, "Johnny!", for me, and I am   
sad! I think I'll have some tea!  
  
Hojo: Please exercise caution while drinking that tea here. I must   
again stress the delicate nature of this equipment....  
  
Palmer: Right, right... OOPSIE!! Had a little SPILL over here! What're   
all these sparks for?!  
  
Hojo: You fool!! You've damaged it!! I have no control over anything!!  
  
Palmer: I thought you were supposed to be smart, Haji!! How could you do   
this to us!?!?! Waaaahhh!!!!  
  
Reno: [ Suddenly appears onscreen, in position just outside the Midgar   
Gate #5 ] Tseng! Tseng! The WEAPON is right on top of us!! It just crushed my   
collection of rare celebrity body fluids!! But more importantly, if it stays   
on this course, it'll crush the "Big Midgar Bar" as well!! Rude will be   
devestated! The horror!! The horror!! OH, THE HUMANITY!!  
  
Tseng: [ Reappears ] Good LORD! No!! Why aren't they firing!!?? Mister   
President!  
  
Rufus: [ Flashes back on the hanging monitor ] What?  
  
Tseng: The WEAPON is on top of us!! Why haven't they fired!!??  
  
Rufus: They haven't? I asked them to five minutes ago.  
  
Tseng: You didn't notice the lack of explosions and such? I mean, it's   
OBVIOUS it hasn't been fired yet!  
  
Rufus: I thought the Scotch Guard was doing it's job... I'll tell them   
again.  
  
Palmer: [ Appears onscreen again ] EEEEEK!!! The big thing is looking at   
me!! Make it go away!!  
  
Heidegger: HUSH!! Hojo! Make this thing work!! I have to be back on camera   
by the end of the broadcast, and I need time to comb my beard!  
  
Hojo: I'm trying, General... but this large bafoon has fried it! It's   
going on it's own now!  
  
Palmer: SAVE MEEEEEE, ARGENTIIINAAA!!!!!   
  
Heidegger: IDIOT!! *Smack* MORON! *Smack* FOOL!! *Smack*  
  
Palmer: [ Falls against the control panel, reactiviating it ]  
  
Hojo: Here!! We got it! Good work, General!  
  
Heidegger: Gya!? I mean, GYA! Of course!  
  
Rufus: [ Comes in over the intercom ] ...Fire!  
  
Hojo: Firing....!!!!  
  
[ The Shinra TV Sky Copter circles Midgar, as each reactor explodes into   
action, spewing smog into the sky, the mako energy travelling through pipes   
toward the main cannon feed, just before all goes black ]  
  
Rufus: [ Stumbles around in his office ] I can't...see! Where's my   
comb..?  
  
Tseng: Please stand by...  
  
Palmer: I'm scared of the dark! Hold me!! [ Scoops up Hojo and hugs him   
to his breasts ]  
  
Hojo: Mmmmph!!!  
  
Heidegger: Gya...!?  
  
Reno: Elena! I have something to tell you, in case this doesn't work.....  
  
Elena: Yes??  
  
Reno: ..I know you took my Twizzlers. But I forgive you...kinda.  
  
Elena: What!?!  
  
Reno: It's just..I really love licorice...  
  
Elena: Tch! Typical!! [ Slaps Reno around ]  
  
Reno: Ow!?!? Hey!!  
  
Rude: [ Still pedaling down the dusty road, looking off in the distance   
at Midgar ] I always miss the good stuff...  
  
Cid: [ Cruising down the road, a few yards ahead of Rude ] Man, Rufus   
is such a dope.. "Gloopernadda", oh man. I mean, come on.  
  
[ The Cannon suddenly fires, sending a stream of powerful Mako hurtling   
through the night sky toward Molybdenite WEAPON ]  
  
Molybdenite: Uh..what's this? Hey! This doesn't look friendly at all! [   
Pulls out his Super Mack Daddy Gun-Ray-Sword and fires it at Midgar, just as   
the Mako beam plows through him, demolishing the WEAPON ]  
  
Tseng: We got the power back!! Hey, it's attacking!! Duck and cover!! [   
Dives beneath his desk ]  
  
Rufus: [ Stares out his window, emotionless ]  
  
Heidegger: We got 'im sir! But it's countered!  
  
Rufus: [ Continues staring out his window ]  
  
Heidegger: Sir!? Oh no! You're not going to try to die honerably again! For   
God's sake! Run! It's okay to run!  
  
Rufus: Huh? What? Oh, sorry, I just spaced out. It's attacking you say?   
Well, hell yeah I'm gonna run! [ Turns tail and dives down the staircase to   
floor 69, just as an energy blast smashes into floor 70, destroying it ]  
  
Tseng: [ Crawls from beneath his desk ] Well, it seems that the worst is   
over...and what do you know? The Scotch Guard worked! Um, anyway, this is   
Tseng, signing off!  
  
Heidegger: Tune in next time for more Shinra TV! We take you now to our   
regular programming schedule.  
  
Rude: Wait! My report isn't over!!!  
  
Heidegger: Gya! Too bad! We're all too tired to continue that! We were just   
attacked here!  
  
Rude: Fine....  
  
[ And so the, "How to Grab That Fiesty Fannie", marathon with Don Corneo   
resumed, and Midgar was safe again, thanks to Shinra ]  
  
[ Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean on a small cardboard boat... ]  
  
Cloud: Okay! I think the WEAPON is over this way...  
  
Barret: Crazy foo'! The WEAPON is over in THAT direction and Shinra jus'   
destroyed it! 'Dis was a total waste! Now I gots seaweed in muh gunarm!  
  
Tifa: I know..and I'm all wet over here...  
  
Cloud: [ Stares at Tifa's chest ]  
  
Red XIII: Oh, please... [ Bites down on Clouds foot ]  
  
Cloud: YEEEEEEK!!! [ Falls over into the water ]  
  
Vincent: Cid was smart to not come with us this time...but I still don't   
understand the reason he had all those small animals and that van...  
  
Cloud: Hey!! [ Climbs back onto the boat ] Be careful!! You almost made   
me drown my Gloopernadda!  
  
All: Oh BROTHER!!!  
  
  
  
The End  
  
All Characters Copyright Squaresoft 1998 


End file.
